Sean Miller's Stories

by Frank BeCharses

...

My eyes have trouble opening the next morning. I remember that it's a Thursday. My watch is not on my night dresser. Aha! It's on my hand. Really gotta do something with this life of mine. Ellen would really be pissed. I shower, trim my beard and go get a glass of orange juice. I then check my email. Wonder if Le Poison Ivy is playing tonight.

Hey Frank:

So how are you preparing for the reality that your lonely wife is going to cry? You can't hide from me Frank. I saw you take it upon yourself to make yourself noticeable to Sharon on Canada Day. No, make yourself noticeable isn't the correct term. You helped yourself to her. Are you not content with letting Perry have anything over you? Probably doesn't entirely have to do with Perry, does it Frank? Can't accept the fact that you're the odd man out in 505. Everybody sitting together at Danny's laughing and drinking, and what are you doing Frank? You're alone with Lawrence, at a secluded table, discussing the next week's readings. Frank, Lawrence has the social skills of a turtle. Why am I complaining? Serves you right Frank. Your wife is the only person to whom you don't use the fact that you are smarter than her. You're scum, Frank. You don't deserve Perry, Sharon, Julie or anyone from 505. Frank, you are dead! Have a nice day.

Sammy

I smash the fucking computer. I can't deal with 505 anymore. Of all fucking things to happen, Ellen's sister just called to ask if I could baby-sit her two boys this weekend because she's leaving her husband. Can't blame Catherine, though. Her face and arms are always black and blue. He tells her he has to work nights, while he's with other women at clubs. Fuck you 505! I can't deal with you anymore. Just admit that I'm the genius and fuck off and leave me alone!!

My summer that is spiraling out of control hits rock-bottom on August 14th. Perry calls me at four o'clock that afternoon and demands I come over tonight. I say that I'm busy and that we'll work on our relationship in September. Perry doesn't give a fuck. He adamantly states that I must report to his house at seven-thirty that evening. I ask if it's really that important.

-- Yes, Frank, it's a matter of life or death. You get your sorry motherfucking ass over to my house at seven-thirty. Got that, motherfucker?

I get dressed and drive to Perry's townhouse on Rocket Richard Road. I ring his doorbell at seven twenty-five.

-- In the living room.

Perry's face is purple and veins are popping through his skin. I don't want to disturb him. I do like Perry instructs and go take a seat in his living room. He appears in the living room five minutes later. He hands me a glass of Scotch and begins pacing around the room, slowly sipping his.

-- This time it's really it Frank. This farce of a mentorship/friendship is over. Friendship has to be strong to handle difficulties, and ours sure as hell ain't strong enough. The entire program was as Danny's Thursday night. Sandra almost died from hysterics as she disclosed the information. You really thought the story of the infamous Canada Day Kiss wouldn't get around? Professor Johansen will publish the story in September's Bodies of Art. My mentor getting it on with the girl I've been trying to impress for the last nine months!! It's all coming back to me now. You wouldn't listen to my dilemma because you were waiting to make a move on her yourself. Do you know how much I could kill you at this very moment?

I look at the lonesome loser and chuckle.

-- Ha!

Perry's eyeballs pop out of their sockets and the veins around his arms, neck and face pop out of the skin.

-- Ha?! That's all you've got to say for yourself? True partners don't go screwing each other's love interests. Especially when one has been happily married for two goddamn years!!!

Glares appear in my eyes. I charge forward into Perry's face. He sees my eyes bulge and my lips enunciate the facts.

-- One kiss. One fucking little peck on the lips. Who fucking cares? You say we're partners. I've pulled your ass out of the water more times than kids floating in a rubber dingy. 'Frank, my seminar's six pages. Does it really have to be ten?' Tell me we were partners in December. You call that partnership?

Perry's eyeballs cross and almost pop out of their sockets.

-- Frank, what the fuck happened in December?!?!

-- It isn't partnership when one guy is working hard and the other guy is floating away on his happy cloud, clinging to a fantasy that wasn't meant to be.

I tilt my head onto my left shoulder, blink, blush and smile.

-- I'm going out with Sharon Woodhouse.

I tilt my head onto my right shoulder, blink, blush and smile.

-- I'm going out with Sharon Woodhouse.

Perry's betrayed eyes glare into my face.

-- Well, at least the girls like me. You know how many of them ask me about you? Sharon, Sandra, everybody but Julie. "Why is Frank such a grump?" "Why do Frank and Lawrence sit at a secluded table at the back of Danny's?"

-- Well at least they know how to balance their work and social life. They don't fuck their whole semester away the moment somebody asks them out on a date. Not like Perry. You could have had an A in American Poetry. But.

I tilt my head onto my left shoulder, blink, blush and smile.

-- I'm going out with Sharon Woodhouse. I don't care about school anymore. I'm just gonna float away on my happy cloud and fuck the term away.

I tilt my head onto my right shoulder, blink, blush and smile.

Perry slams his drink on the table and his eyes turn red.

-- Frank, it's over. I'm going to finish the program without you. You're fired.

My skin shakes.

...

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