Sean Miller's Stories

In the long history of the Elizabethan Drama Rib and Wing Championship, spectators know that they must expect the unexpected. In 1573, after being pronounced the winner, Hermia declared her undying and exclusive love for Lysander. And there was the time, about thirty years later, when King Lear went completely berserk and had to be put in a straight jacket after realizing he was three ribs behind Macbeth with only two left on the table. Now, on July 21st, 1633, it is time again to determine which player on the Elizabethan stage has the biggest appetite. On this lovely summer afternoon, Barabas has invited his three friends, Shylock, Othello and Benedick over for lunch. His butlers, Fortinbras and Laertes, have done a fine job of setting up a table in the backyard, decorated with a white tablecloth. When they’re ready to eat at thirteen hundred and thirty hours, Laertes leisurely walks over and places two baskets on the table. Barabas smiles and innocently lifts up the cloth napkins in each basket. Ribs and chicken wings. He smiles and makes eye contact with the rest of his table. Shylock, Othello, and Benedick roll their eyes. So Barabas has a nice tablecloth, who cares? The host then snarls and makes a mad dash for the basket.

Every shirt gets splashed with barbecue sauce. Eyeballs bulge. People grab a chicken wing and start gnawing away. Then they do the same with the ribs. The veins on Othello’s neck pop out of his skin.

-- I shall not go down this time. You guys are going to suffer while I’m going to live happily ever after for once!!!

Benedick knows he has to act fast to respond to Othello’s threat. He dives headfirst into the ribs. It takes Benedick thirty seconds to grab a rib, clean it to the bone and then grab another one. Spectators are impressed that Benedick takes great care in stripping his rib bones clean. Pretty soon Laertes interprets the host’s waving hand. It means to bring another basket of ribs and wings. Most importantly, it summons the butler to hurry up and bring another bottle of red wine to the table. Participating in the first Elizabethan Drama Rib & Wing Contest can cause one to dehydrate quickly.

While Laertes is the runner, Fortinbras works the barby. Quickly he throws on six racks of ribs and forty chicken wings. He has to open packages that he was sure they didn’t need. Laertes waits at the front of the barbecues. As soon as it’s hot, he runs new baskets of wings and ribs to each of the tables. After the third run in twenty minutes, he silently growls to his associate.

-- They devoured a basket of twenty in ten minutes! What a bunch of absolute pigs!

Fortinbras smirks. He might as well have some fun. He dumps a package of ribs onto the barbecue. When it’s hot he fills a plate of fifty wings and eight racks of ribs and gives it to Laertes. Fortinbras checks his watch. Laertes runs from the barbecue to the table in the middle of the yard and back in ten seconds.

Barabas looks at Shylock and they both crumble to the ground. Then they snarl in disgust. Ten seconds laughing could be ten seconds devouring another rib. They see that for every rack of ribs each of them eats, Othello and Benedick at the other end of the table only eats half.

After running plates filled with ten racks of ribs to the table every ten minutes, Laertes is starting to sweat. He knows that there are too many bottomless pits in this contest. Who in his right mind devours thirty ribs in ten minutes? He looks at the table. Those four gluttons are so covered with barbecue sauce that they can’t see five feet in front of them. A ha!

Laertes joins Fortinbras at the barbecue. He requests a full plate. To enliven the flavor, Laertes brings out a secret powder and sprinkles it throughout this plate. Fortinbras gives him thumbs up.

Laertes delivers Barabas his fifth full plate. Barabas sticks his sauce-stained face in and begins gnawing away. After two ribs, red appears in Barabas’ eyes. He yawns and digs back in. Five minutes later, Barabas is staring at his plate. He reaches for another rib. However, he yawns and falls face-first into his plate.

Receiving Othello’s summon, Laertes comes to Barabas’ side. He lifts Barabas’ face off the plate and reaches for his wrist. Laertes finds a pulse. The butler takes a towel and wipes the Jew’s face. Barabas’ eyes are shut and he’s snoring away. Shylock instructs Laertes to poke Barabas. No response. Barabas’ head flops over the back of his chair. Laertes throws Barabas over his shoulder and takes him up to bed. Now, Othello, Benedick and Shylock turn purple reaching for the ribs.

By a quarter to three there are only four racks of ribs left. Othello and Benedick look into each other’s eyes and then at the ribs. They each dissect a rack of ribs. Othello’s entire face and shirt is stained brown with barbecue sauce. Benedick takes his time cleaning meat off the first four ribs of his rack. However, by the time Benedick is finishing his first rack Othello is halfway through his second. Othello is so consumed with the contest that he doesn’t realize that Desdemona has come to pick him up.

-- Othello! Othello!

Othello smiles to the others at twenty after three. He reaches for the last rack of ribs on the table. His teeth hook onto the bone and clean away the strip of meat. Othello throws his final bone into the basket at three o’clock. Everyone brings Shylock their plate of rib bones. Shylock sits at a front of the barbecue.

“67, 68, 69, 70!” Shylock’s eyes bulge while counting Othello’s final total. He’s amazed at the amount of rib bones. Benedick laughs.

-- I don’t know if you can take Rib and Wing bones to the bank and get a cash reward.

Shylock ignores the insult and goes on with the fun.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we have a unanimous decision,” said Shylock. “Throwing his final rib into the basket at fifteen hundred and thirty-five hours, the winner of this event and new Elizabethan Drama Rib and Wing champion, Othello!”

Unfortunately, Othello does not like the flares in the eyes of his three compatriots. Just as he is getting into Desdemona’s car, he directs a nasty snarl back at the three of them.

-- Your faces are reddening. Your muscles are pumping. I ate up the food. Now jealousy is going to eat up you.

The champion chuckles as he gets in his car and drives off.

© seanmillersstories 2006. all rights reserved.